There are some things you cannot un-see.
I was once shown a video of a man who was killed by a horse in the most unimaginable way possible whilst an onlooker helped and watched. The horror of it sickened me, how anyone could do this to an unsuspecting animal, how anyone could sit back and watch someone else die while they were “given the horse” in an act of perversion, bestiality and cruelty. It became a term of malice, and even a perverse cartoon. The irony and the discomfort of the humor were sickening, but to cope, I laughed, even if at first the laughs were just huffs or “har har har”. I went along with the jokes to protect myself, even instigating them to throw off the scent of mutiny. This was par for the course, and Stockholm Syndrome saved my sweet ass for a little while, until I realized that there was nothing about me that my Steel was not willing to exploit, demean, belittle, criticize, bully or find another way to be cruel about. If you have ever seen a copy of the Power and Control Wheel, take note of the kinds of threats and assaults that are mentioned. I was told by an expert in the field that because I am such an incredible person and magnificent catch, this is why every method listed was used, and then some of his own unique creation, to get me under his control. What a wild filly.
Click to access PowerControlwheelNOSHADING.pdf
The devil was the most beautiful angel, but he was an angel to begin with. An angel that had fallen away from God. I cannot believe in a God so unloving that he would allow any one of his creations to be cast aside for making a mistake, even a huge one. There is always forgiveness. There is always redemption. If you believe in the story of Jesus, then how can you believe that every mistake, every one could be forgiven, except that of Satan’s? Do you think that the sacrifice of God incarnate is not enough to redeem it? If so, then that is megalomania beyond megalomania, and that person will be doomed to be stuck in the hellfire of eternal damnation until he finally gets it right. Or, every religion is shit. Every single one.
There was and is no exception or limit to forgiveness. Repentance is required, though. There is no fake it until you make it. That bullshit is wrapped in cellophane, and can easily be seen right through. Until there is actual repentance, there is no forgiveness. One has to actually want it and do whatever it takes to earn it.
There are some that say Paganini sold his soul to play the violin so masterfully. Or are these just the kind of self-righteous, egotistical, know-it-all, malignantly narcissistic, borderline personality disordered individuals who threatened to blow up the Temple they claimed to love, cherish, and honor until the day they died only not to understand that one cannot cheat one’s way to Mastery? One needs to educate oneself, work for it, practice, and be trained by a qualified instructor well beyond their first level of proficiency. It takes more than memorizing what the seven liberal arts and sciences are to become a Master. It takes more than rote cleverness and recitation of a code. It involves learning the lessons. It also involves paying the price, should you not conform to the lessons, or of the obligation. Lessons of failure, embarrassment, shame, ostracism, tough love. One needs to be trained, to study, be tested, and use them in regular practice, with correct intent. This is what makes a Master. The secret is out.
“There is no secret ingredient.” – Po’s Father, Kung Fu Panda
“There are two types of people – trained and untrained.” -The Steel
I figured out the day that the Steel formally gave up. May 21, 2015. This was right before he broke up with me for two weeks. This was when I had said “Have fun with your training” and really out of ignorance not knowing what to call it other than words he himself had used. This was the day he stopped training.
“I am not training for anything,” he writes.
https://brokencovenant.wordpress.com/2015/05/21/what-are-you-training-for/
Ergo – if there are two types of people, by his own admission and logic, he is the type that is untrained.
I am classically trained. I started on viola when I was eight years old, and switched to violin after my children were grown. I am educated, I worked for it, I practice all the time – with my violin, without my violin, by reading music, listening and imagining myself playing, remembering lessons, applying what was learned. When I started on violin, I went back to the very beginner books that I had learned viola with, and went through every single song until I could play it from memory. This is not just riding a bicycle. This is transitioning to an elegant, state of the art, highly sensitive elite motorcycle, more delicate and highly tuned, and in a different clef to boot. I did this knowing full well that it would be challenging and require blood, sweat, tears and a whole slew of other atrocities that they never tell you about in grade school. It would make the beginner frightened to death of trying.
They say all is fair in love and war. :0)
“Galileo’s head was on the block. His crime was looking up the truth. And as the bombshells of my daily fears explode I try to trace them to my youth. How long until my soul gets it right? Would any human being ever reach that kind of light? I call on the resting soul of Galileo, king of night vision, king of insight” – Galileo, Indigo Girls
When you are exposed to evil, the only way to scare the demons away is to laugh. Whenever I have been in an extremely agonizingly painful situation, I have cracked jokes to distract myself and ease the tension in the room, because “Why so serious?” I’ve done this with physical pain, emotional pain, psychological pain. I’ve taken to the phrase “Better a pain in the ass, than a pain in the neck!” That poor bloke with The Horse. That’s one I’ll not trade with, thank you very much. I’ve been given the horse one too many times.
Some people like horses. Some people like to give people the horse. I prefer to give the horse a carrot.
So today is the day that the Pirate Looks At 40. One of the things I learned from living in the South is how not to act. People down there would hate you so much that they’d bake you a cake. When you hate sweets. And it’s a thank you party. And they all know it. I’m not so callous. I still love the Steel. Today, I will bake one of my newly renamed world famous Annie Cakes.
Annie is to Horse as Horse is to Carrots, as Carrots is to Cake.
What’s remaining? Annie Cake. Because, math. Slice of cake, really!
I whipped up the luscious, finger-licking-good cream cheese frosting, hand shred a pound and a half of those lovely roots, toasted and chopped the pecans, spiced it to perfection, and finished it with all of the heart, soul, compassion, adoration, and love I have ever had for him. I will feed this delicious cake to my loved ones, who went absolutely crazy for it at Thanksgiving. None of them will understand that this cake is really about him, and I would not want to spoil it for them. It’s a shame that he will not be here to savor this delight, one of his favorites. They just do not understand that I will always love him. This is because, love does. I celebrated the love I had for him all day today. It was real, it was true. I am not and never claimed to be perfect, however I always work my hardest to be the very best I can be at anything I set my mind to. And that included my marriage with the Steel.
I love the Steel because I made a decision and commitment to love him, based on the man he showed me he could be. I can never love him in a sexual way ever again. Oh, not eros. Oh no fucking way. Boundaries! No touching. Not even a peck or a Christian Shoulder hug. That was lost after those monstrous hands went after my delicate throat. (Olly olly oxen free – ready or not, here I come) Out of respect for myself, I will not have intercourse with anyone for at least a full year.
The Steel was fond of Justice. JustUs. At least, in the end, he surprisingly admitted that what he really meant was JustMe (meaning just him).
Happy Birthday. It’s going to be a long cold winter. Are you ready?
Winter is coming. Hajime.
A Walk In Neverland 